The Painful Memory, Retained
The phone's ringtone woke me up from a dream of living in a secluded place in one of the most the beautiful mountains I've ever seen in my sleep. With the sunlight sneaking into my room through the silk curtains that I bought two years ago from a furniture store in Chadstone, I blinked my eyes while feeling on the bed to get my cell phone which kept ringing and disturbing my sleep on this beautiful 3rd weekend in 2022. I faintly saw the phone screen. It was the 4th ring from my dad this morning. "Oh, here we go again." I sighed. Inspite of immediately picked up the phone, I paused for a moment and took a deep breath, imagined this time he would ask the same thing about my resignation process from the job I had worked for eight years in one of the top companies in Melbourne's Central Business District. I have enough money thanks to my lucrative work to invest in shares of multiple profitable businesses. A great profession is only a stepping stone toward realizing my dream, which is to travel the world and stop in spots that are peaceful owing to their natural beauty and complete absence of city population bustle.
"Halo, Merry, did you just wake up?" He asked as if he was confused why I just woke up this late. "I know you live alone and there is not even a work that you have to think about for now. But please don't start a bad habit." Just like I woke up thus late so many times in his head, my dad murmurs.
"You know I only do it when I have time to do it. Don't make it over pi," I said as I walked into the kitchen to get a drink and sat down at the dining table. I called my dad with 'papi', a word adopted by Indonesians from Dutch to greet parents. I am a child of Chinese descent who was born in Indonesia. I used to live in Indonesia before finally moving to Australia due to an incident in 1998 that happened in Indonesia. "What else now?" I asked.
"How's your resignation process? Is it all running well?" he asked the predictable question. This is his fifth time asked me about the resignation process. It feels like resigning is the same as getting tons of gold that he couldn't wait to see the result.
"Sure, all that's left is that I just need to sign some documents and then I can clear out my stuff from the office." I said. It's actually hard for me to give up this job. As the director who oversees the company's operations, of course I have a lot of papers to sign as a form of handover and other things.
"I know everything's going well. I mean I believe my only beloved daughter does all things well," his tone in saying this sounded like he was beaming. I could tell that he was talking with a big smile on his face, proud of what his successful daughter doing. He continue, "Mei, later after everything is done, can you visit your aunt? she hasn't called much lately, we're worried about her." Asked my dad sounds worried. 'Mei' comes from Lin Mei-Yi, my Chinese name. I got the Merry name as my Indonesian name. Merry sounds more universal, and following the universal flow is part of self-rescue for my family, that's why now Merry's name is more attached to me. Even so, my father did not forget his daughter's first name which is thick with the influence of Chinese culture that flows in our blood.
"Allright, I'll visit her later, don't worry." I said and then we hang up.
My aunt. oh my god, I just remembered my aunt. It's been six months since my last visit to my aunt's apartment in Adelaide. My entire family that were living in Indonesia including my dad, mom and aunt moved to Australia to protect ourselves in 1998. With the capital of trust, our family business was entrusted to my father's direct subordinates who did not choose to go abroad at that time. My father controlled his business by telephone and sometimes and sometimes he flies to Indonesia for several times. Five years later, when my father felt that everything was safe, my dad and my mom returned to Indonesia to continue our business which had been abandoned for too long, but not with me and my aunt. My dad believes that for both of us staying in Australia is the most appropriate and the most safe choice after everything that happen to my aunt in 1998 in Indonesia. My mother is an anxious lady who genuinely cares for her husband as a wife. She refused my father's advice to stay in Australia and went back with him to Indonesia instead.
I flew to Adelaide to see my aunt as soon as I finished my resignation. When I landed to my aunt's apartment in the southern region of Australia, I was greeted by a stunning view of the beach. This time, the beautiful sky appeared to support our meeting. Back when she was young in Indonesia, before the incident, my aunt was an incredibly pleasant person and liked to socially interact. Oh, I gotta mention that I was absolutely love her. My last moment seen her laughing joyfully is before our moved to Melbourne twenty-four years ago. She is now laughing as well, although not as joyfully as before. "I hope she's more cheerful now" I said while looking around the view.
My aunt met me in the entrance of the apartment building, and then we went to her unit which was on the 8th floor. The room in the apartment was still the same as the last six months ago when I visited. Not much has changed. It's just that there is something that makes me a little gape at it, Chinese New Year decoration. My aunt put up a water tiger Sincia decoration in the window of the apartment that looked like it rarely opened and closed. This really took me by surprise. It's been twenty-four years since my aunt has been traumatized by her identity as a Chinese descendant. Not only my aunt, but my whole family, I mean the one who received the most trauma was my aunt. This was the first time I saw my aunt re-accept her Chinese identity in twenty-four years.
"What a nice Sincia decoration." I said with a smile and tried to think it was normal.
"I think it is the time to stop hiding myself in my own identity and continue my normal life." My aunt said as she cast her frightened and worried gaze onto the decorations.
"I think it's a pretty good move. It's okay ai, take it slow." Although she didn't mention that she was taking this action out of anxiety, her gaze was too clear for me to calm her down. then she smiled and went to the kitchen to prepare food for me, as if to show that she was fine.
I stayed for three days at my aunt's apartment. Spending time in her apartment by helping her cook, accompanying her to knit, and occasionally taking walks together on the beach which is only a few hundred meters from my aunt's apartment building makes me miss my mother and father. Living alone in a city as comfortable as Melbourne with sufficient economy is free and enjoyable. However, the safety and comfort felt when living with people who matter to us is a pleasure that cannot be beat by anything. On my last day to stay at my aunt's apartment she asked about something that made me confused.
"Merry, I haven't asked you about this. What about your father's plan for you to continue his business?" Asked my aunt.
"Continuing papi's business?" this question made me flinch. I can't be sure how many thoughts that came up about the phrase "continue my father's business" as if they were exploding in my brain. My brain can't accept the sentence asked by my aunt. "What do you mean, ai? Maybe you have heard that I resigned from my job. But that's because I already have enough income and I will fulfill my dream of traveling around the world." I confirmed my aunt's question.
I could see my aunt's less expressive face contorted in confusion. "I can't believe that your father hasn't told you about this," she said as he opened the pizza sauce, which was still tightly sealed as if it had just come out of the factory. "He said that he had to tell me because it meant you were leaving Melbourne, and I was completely alone here. But who cares, things are different, I'm used to being alone." She continued, now with a more worried and much more frightened expression on his face but still trying to hide it.
I was confused and said "I'll ask papi later, thanks for letting me know earlier ai."
She just gave me a thin smile that didn't change her flat face much.
My aunt decided to move to Adelaide and live alone while I decided to marry and move in with my ex-husband; Dave who is an Australian citizen of Chinese descent, at the age of twenty-five. My marriage to Dave didn't last long. We divorced after two years of marriage. I got an apartment to live in, while my aunt still wants to live alone in Adelaide.
The main problem if what my aunt said was true is; I don't understand how my father could ask me to continue his business. His business is in Indonesia, he has exiled his daughter from Indonesia for twenty-four years. How could he suddenly ask someone he seemed to have protected so much from a threat for years to approach the threat itself. This sounds like walking into a tiger's den to me.
I arrived around 4 a.m which is already 8 a.m in Indonesia. Two hours later when the tiredness from my trip was gone, I immediately call my father about what my aunt said. While waiting my dad to answer the call, these thoughts keep showing up that I'm hoping what my aunt said wasn't true, hoping my father remembered the reason his only daughter had resigned from his job, hoping I don't have to go back to Indonesia after decades of not coming back, I hope I don't have to witness all the sadism that happened before my eyes in 1998, I hope I don't have to experience what my aunt went through at that time, I hope I don't have to go through those days where to see the people I care about experience terrible things and fight against the pain that has scarred for years. Sounds exaggerated, maybe. How can a sentence whose truth is not known for sure bring up thoughts that are very far away from what is feared to happen again. That's how deeply the 1998 incident impacted my family, as citizens of Chinese descent who were not only discriminated against, but also brutally murdered.
"Halo, Merry what's going on?"
"Pi, I heard something from aunty when I visited her as you requested, is that true?" I said hopefully the answer wasn't true, biting my fingernails.
"Have you visited your ai? Is your aunt okay?" my father answered very calmly
"God, I haven't even told you yet, sorry I was thinking too much about what auntie said about your business," hearing my father's very calm reply made me realize how messed up my mind had been since my aunt told me about my father's plans. "Yeah, he's very good, he's even better than usual." I didn't tell my father about my aunt who had started to forget the past and was more open about identity, because I thought it was my aunt's problem that my father should know directly from her.
"Thank God, that's all I need to hear," my father sounds very relieved, then he continued his sentence. "Merry, since you have heard from your ai, then I will tell you now. It is true what your aunt said that I need you to continue our business in Indonesia." He said and he explained that it was impossible for our family business which was in Indonesia to be handed over to other hands, that I was the only heir he could rely on and give to continue his business which had been built for more than thirty years while fighting under difficult circumstances.
When I heard this, my mind became more and more chaotic and could not be controlled. The thing that makes me more flustered and become emotional is my father even forgetting my biggest wish in life to travel the world which I should be able to do without any prohibition from anyone because this is my wish, and this is my life, only if I want to be selfish. I'm just speechless. I didn't feel my tears fall.
"Merry, I'm sorry. I thought that raising you away from a place that was once a very dangerous place for us and a place where you and your aunt were traumatized was the right thing I could do to keep you both safe. However, after I hearing that you're actually going to travel the world and even give up your job, I get really scared." My dad sounded really worried.
"What is it, pi??? What are you afraid of? I really don't understand the way you think." I cut in wonder at what was on my father's mind.
"Merry, the incident that we experienced twenty-four years ago is quite a foundation for me to continue to monitor and make sure my family is okay and away from the possibility for something like that to happen again. I don't know the wide world you want to be around this. Only Australia, Indonesia and China I can trust as countries for you to visit long and freely, for now." My father's tone became increasingly anxious.
Hearing that word, I didn't understand even more, I didn't expect that it was as if my father had locked me within his reach. Yes, I did feel trapped a few times, but I only saw it as a feeling of boredom against my desire to be able to realize my dream of traveling the world as soon as possible. While continuing to shake my head, I couldn't believe what my father was thinking. How can he see the world with such narrow glasses? How? I tried to calm my head and think clearly about what was really going on with my father's mind, but I couldn't. I'm out of words.
"Mei, I've never told you that I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, two years since the incident in 1998. That's why my father made you and your aunt stay in Australia and never allowed you to return to Indonesia." said my father, his tone turned gentle as he realized that I was completely confused by everything he was explaining.
And so he explained that it was me and my aunt that he was most worried about compared to my mother. My mother is the one who knows about my father's illness, and the one who can be under my father's care as long as he wants, but not me and my aunt.
Digesting all of this, I then thought about how my father survived and covered his illness from me and my aunt while protecting us. Despite my disappointment over my dream of traveling the world which I felt would fail, I felt very guilty and sorry for what my father had. The fact that I was one of his biggest worries for the past twenty-two years, but on the other hand I live life without worry and knowing that there is someone who suffers from anxiety over his affection for me and that person is my father, makes my heart feel so broken.
The events of 1998 left a huge scar on our entire family for what happened. If this sounds exaggerated, I'll break down the story here:
I was only sixteen years old when me, my father and mother were enjoying a relaxed dinner but then turned into a tense atmosphere that occurred in my housing complex. From inside the house, I still clearly remember hearing voices in Indonesian saying "burn, burn, burn. Kill the Chinese. Use it." Shortly thereafter, thick smoke appeared which could be seen through the mosquito net curtains of my window. All the electricity in my father's house was turned off, hoping that nobody would pretend so that our family would be safe from the looting, rape and murder committed by elements at that time. In complete darkness, with an unreliable home phone signal, my father tried to contact my aunt who was known to be staying at his shop that night, but received no answer. After three days of securing ourselves at home, my father ventured out of the house to find out how my aunt was and to get groceries that were no longer in the house. God answered our prayers with my father returning in good condition, but what became a big wound for our family was; my aunt was brought home mute, speechless, blank stare, lethargic, and in a state of being a victim of rape committed by three youths on the night of May 13, 1998. On the seventh night after the incident, my father decided for our family to flee to a safer country. Leaving a business that was built for years with great difficulty on the basis of recklessness in belief and leaving the house filled with many joyous stories by coercion of sincerity, living life with images of sad events and ferocity that may never be forgotten.
I have to accept that my family is like this now. The tremendous change that occurred as a result of that event changed my entire life. I accept everything, I face everything. I just hope my story won't happen to other people and to other races on this earth, in any part of the world.
For the person who caused all of this to happen, wherever you are now, I hope your children and grandchildren don't get karma from what you did in the past. It's cruel, how an event kills dreams and messes up the lives of many people.
-I am just someone. But someone like me that day, wasn't just one-
