There was not any big differences when I had already married him. My husband and I still went to campus everyday, like usual. We decided to continue our study until we graduated. But, there was something that made me felt guilty everyday, the baby inside my tummy . I was still wondering that I would felt ridiculous when the baby was born just six or seven months after my marriage. My husband loved this baby, so do I. I was just not ready yet to have this baby and to receive many questions from the people around me. I had to do something to this baby and I just tried to act like I lost this baby because of miss carriage.
Our marriage should be very happy. I did not want to feel any pressure anymore. Being married to him was the one of hardest things in my life. Maybe everyone could imagine my parents’ expression when I said I would get married because of “the accident”. Huh, but now I had already pass that scary situation. I would make my life better because I believed that two is better than one. My husband and I lived together now, so I just wanted to live happily with him. As you know, his mother gave us a house to live in. Yea, this was the house where I would live with my only husband. Just one week after my marriage, I moved into this house.
When I moved into this house, I felt like I would be very happy living with my husband. The house was old, but not too old with the white walls almost in every single room. This house was quiet, clean, and made my soul feel peaceful. This house had three bedrooms. My husband and I chose the largest room to be ours. I loved this house so much. I wished this house would always be with us forever.
*
We would never know what would happen next in our life. When I told my husband about that misscarriage, he felt so sad and dissapointed. He loved his baby so much. I would never told him what was the truth. I had to keep it as a secret. Poor baby, please forgive me that I had killed you. I just had to do something to keep my reputation as a good girl.
Apparently, abortion did not make the situation better. Poor me! My husband tried to forget his sadness with having fun with his friend. I did not why that I felt there was something wrong in my life. I knew that my husband was so busy, but I just felt lonely. I thought that I was being forgotten by him. He was very focus on his thesis. I did not say that I was not focus with my study, at least I always went home directly after my campus time was over.
One day, I felt so lonely and bored to be home alone. It was dark already outside, but my husband said he still had a business with his friends. Suddenly I felt sleepy but I did not want to sleep in our bedroom. I went to the guest bedroom which was a little bit smaller than my room. I turned on the air conditioner and laid my body on the white covered bed. Then I saw someone lied beside me. She was beautiful women, around twenty five. Directly she asked me “How do your feel now?”
I answered “Not too bad, who are you?”.
“Amelia. I know you are Lidya, right?”.
“Amelia?”
“I am your friend, Lidya. Don’t you remember?”
*
Every time I felt so lonely at home, I always went to the guest room and met Amelia. I did not feel lonely anymore when I shared everything with her. She was my friend and always be. The quiet and peaceful room became her and my room, our room. We talked, shared, and laughed together.
When Amelia and I were in the guest room, I always felt like we were in a very beautiful room with a fresh air inside. The room was clean and quiet. Supported by the white walls and the white bedcover on the bed inside, this room was like a holy room. It was not an ordinary room. Amelia and I put a vase of white rose on the table beside the bed. Everything was so clean, so clear, and so real. I could spend many hours just to lie down on the bed and have a talk with Amelia. I could tell everything, every single secret that I had to her, included my secret baby, I meant ex-baby.
“Lidya, I love to spend much time just to talk with you.”
“Me, too. Thanks for being my friend.” Suddenly there was a car sound approaching. “That’s my husband. I have to go. See you tomorrow, Amelia.”
“See you, Lidya.”
I directly met my husband. I already missed him.
“Hi, baby.” Said him.
“Hi, you must be very tired, I already served dinner for you, but it’s better if you take a bath first.”
“Thanks.”
*
“Lidya, I need to talk.”
“What’s up, baby?”
“I have to go to Bali for a week. My friends and I will do our thesis there. There will be a good seminar in Denpasar.”
I did not know what to say.
“Just a week, baby. I will bring you gifts from Bali.”
I still kept quiet.
“I promise I will call you at least three times a day.”
I still kept quiet.
“I have to go. It is for our future.”
“Ok, if you wanna go, just go!” I went to the bedroom.
*
As usual, when I felt lonely, I just went to the guest room to meet Amelia. I would share my feelings to her. She was perfect for me. She was a good listener.
I opened the door. I saw her was lying on the bed, under the white blanket. I laid down my body beside her.
“I know, sweetheart. Don’t feel so sad. I am here.”
“Thanks Amelia.” I hug her. I saw her. Beautiful. I could see her. I could see all of her body. She was very beautiful with slim body, long black hair, and fair skin. I saw her red lips, as red as red rose. She hug me. No, she kissed me.
I opened all of my clothes, just like her. I could felt her skin on my skin. I kissed her lips, her cheeks, her chin, and her breasts. Softly I touch her, full of love. She also did the same thing. She touched and kissed me softly. I felt so loved by her. It felt different when I did it with my husband. All my loneliness suddenly dissappeared.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“I think now you know what should you do.”
“No, Amelia. I can’t!”
“Yes, you can!”
I wept. She hug me. Tightly.
*
“No, baby! What’s wrong with you?”
“There is not something wrong with me. There is something wrong with you!”
“Lidya, please tell me, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t love you anymore! You’re just like a stranger for me now! Leave me alone!”
“Lidya, be calm! Tell me what happened when I was leaving!”
“I hate you! And as you know, about the baby, I...” I wept. “I did the abortion!”
“What? It’s impossible. You know that killing the baby is a big sin?” His expression changed. I saw he was very sad and dissapointed.
“I am sorry. So, what are you waiting for? Divorce is the best way..”
He just kept silent and laid on the bed.
I remembered the first time that I made love with him, when he laid down on the bed. I saw his face closely. But now, everything had changed. He was just a different person for me. Amelia! I remembered her also. I just need her to be beside me now. My husband had forgotten me. I still wept.
“Lidya. Please come here.” I laid my body down beside him. In our bedroom with the peach wallpaper, we laid our body down on the bed.
“You need to meet Amelia.”
“Who is Amelia?”
“Come with me! She is in the guest room.”
My husband and I went to the guest room. We knocked the door, but there was no answered. I opened the door slowly. I was shocked that Amelia was not there.
“Who is Amelia?” asked my husband.
“She is my friend. Everyday I meet her here.”
“There is nobody home beside us, Lidya.”
“No! Amelia, where are you?” There was still no answered. Suddenly I was shocked that there was no vase of white rose on the table. “Where are the roses?”
“Roses? We don’t have any roses here, baby. Lidya, what’s wrong?”
“No! Amelia! Please come here, sweetheart! I miss you, I need you now! Please...”
“Lidya, stop it, please. Let’s go to our bedroom.”
My husband hug me. Tightly. “I promise I won’t let you to be alone anymore....” I still wept and wondered where was Amelia.
*
The next night, my husband and I went to a restaurant for dinner. I still kept quiet and sad at that night. I did not meet Amelia anymore. She was missing just when I could find the missing love of my life. I missed her so much. I did not want to care about my husband anymore. He did not know how it felt. Lonely..
“I know what happened, Lidya.. Please forgive me..” said my husband softly while he holding my hand.
“No..”
“Lidya, I also felt so lonely when I knew that I lost the baby, our baby. I tried to escape from reality. But now I realize that I had done the wrong thing. I went back to the reality, to find you and to get you back. I don’t want to lose you.. So, Lidya.. Please.. Leave your imaginary world, begged mercy from God. Go back to the reality..”
I knew that I would never meet Amelia anymore.
***
