For those who have just experienced a breakup for the first time
Breathe. I know your feel heavy. Just like me, you finally understood what the break-up songs are saying about and the love songs sound illogical to you. It does not even sound real that someone could take a bullet for a person they love. Love, for now, seems to be overrated.
Even though it has been weeks after the breakup, you still constantly feel the pain. It just appears so sudden when you are waking up in the morning or when you are ordering your lunch. The pain hit you on the chest and in the moment you cannot control. Slowly, you realized that this breakup is real.
Would you ever be getting back together?
If you are lucky, your ex-partner would set the line very clear by stating what he or she wants. So then, you can just start your recovery process and moving on with your life. But some of us are not that lucky enough. We are stuck in the lag-period where our partners and us are still confused about the decision. One of us feels like the decision is right, but we might fear about what is coming. Or, we are still keeping the communication with our ex for the sake of having the ‘friendship’. But the real deal is our partner just wants a comfort to have the connection with us, so it is easier for him or her until they are ready to move on.
This breakup scares the hell out of us. Especially, when you are approaching thirty. So we just wish, strongly hope that our partner will come back to us. And we will do whatever we can to get him back. Including lowering our standard; we thought we can be happy by accepting that our partner would never live-up to our expectation. But would you be really happy in a long term with someone that does not like to go travelling when you are born a traveler? Can you really be happy with someone who is so arrogant and not respecting you for who you are?
Believe me, some weeks after the break-up, you will start to see things clearly. Well, maybe not that so clear and logical as what your friends can openly tell you about your past relationship. But you will understand that there are some points in your life that cannot be neglected. If getting back to him would mean that you have to deny yourself, you would not be happy at the end. Let’s be honest. Imagine yourself doing what you like the most and imagine if your partner will be at your side, smiling with you. If this thought would make you happy, then you know that you cannot change your self-core. The real you. So if you think he cannot fulfil that, so maybe he is not the right one.
Is he the one?
I once read a good quote somewhere on my social media saying, “We might have several soulmates in our life. One for every life stages”. So when we are breaking up with our soulmate, it does not mean that he or she was not the one. They are just not the soulmate for the right time. At least, he is not the one for now.
You have been scrolling your tinder profile for several weeks now and no one can be compared to your ex. There might be some cute guy and you got some matches, but going out with any of them seems tiring. When you eventually did go out, you realized that you are just experiencing all of the sweet early stage of attraction. Then you feel bitter; thinking that one day they will just give up and started to stop investing in the relationship. If you are feeling this, let me tell you that I feel it too. Maybe there are billions of people too. But eventually, we will pass this phase.
Time is your friend now. You should give yourself sometime to heal and recover. Take care of yourself and start to be thankful to your support system by loving them back. They are the one that catch you when you were drowning. If you are hungry for love, start to accept that love does not only come in an exclusive package of men and women. It comes in a family pack that consists of the people from your present and past, who did not have the chance to get close to you when you are focusing on one person.
But what if I want to call him and talk aboutit?
What are you going to say? You cannot get someone back just by reigniting their guilt. I learned it from a relationship coach that said that in the beginning of the breakup period, your ex would try to hold on into his decision that the breakup is right. The more you push him with guilt, telling him that you love him and how great you can be together; the more he will pull himself out of you.
He and you need some space right now. If you are ever talking to him, the best thing could ever happen after you are less emotional. So both of you could see each other in a more positive light. So take some space and do anything you would do if you are the happiest single person in the world. This wisdom too, comes from a relationship guru – so you might want to take this advice seriously. The more you are becoming yourself, the happier you are and the more attractive you are. Not only to your ex but also to the best people that is yet to come.
Again, you will want someone that is fully in love with you. Guilt will not bring your ex back for a long time. He might just comfort you for a short time, but that is, of course, not what you want.
Yes, your breakup is real. So eventually you have to move on. But let’s first define what moving on is.
Many of us want to find love real soon to replace what we lost. And even more, to escape the feeling of loneliness, especially when the sun starts to shift its place with the moon and stars. I feel that too, even until months afterwards. But rushing into finding someone new hurts us more, does not it? You won’t feel satisfied with anyone because you keep comparing the new one with the ex. And you are unconsciously choosing someone who has similar traits with the old ones – the one who you left or left us. So let’s define moving on as living your life and giving a chance to yourself to love yourself and being happy just to be with you.
Isn’t it been a long time since you are single? Give a gentle pat to your shoulder and a kiss to yourself in a mirror. And start to meet your old friends, the ones who've always been there for you. And let’s start laughing about how pathetic your old love life is. This, is an important step to heal yourself.
Friends – they are so distance to us when we were in an exclusive relationship. I start going out with them too and it was so fun because most of us are singles too (that’s why we have time to meet each other, right!). As a group, we flirt with random people, have a couple dozen of beers and wines and have a joke to ourselves. Friends and yourself – are the best destination to move on to.
Believe me, you do not want to be stuck in a new relationship too fast after going through a hard break up from someone really love. There is a big hole in your heart and you know that it is going to take some time before someone could really fill the gap. And you also need to clear your mind and heart – to know what you really need and your next purpose.
I believe most of you reading these paragraphs are not in the stage of searching for someone to have fun with anymore. Most of us are looking for a real partner in life. And going through another heart break just because we are too in rush looking for someone to fill the gap would just waste our time and heart, isn’t it? So be in a relationship when you are really ready to be in a committed one. You know it yourself when you are really ready. And it is going to take a while. So again, breathe.
And have fun.