I just want to tell you my story of denial...
I was born in a strict religious family. My father is a hajj, and immam of village mosque. I was treated well since my childhood and was enrolled in a qualified madrassah.My families were so proud of me, and I too was so proud of myself. But it didn't happen quite long...
After finishing my senior high, i left my little town, pursuing higher education. Because I really wanted to be an islamic scholar, i then applied for religious study at a State Institute of Islamic Religion (IAIN) in Jakarta. The environment was very different from my previous madrassah. I was introduced to new ideas of some islamic scholars I've never heard before. i read many sources and attended academic seminars about Islam. It was so annoying at first, but i kept going.
At the third year of my study, i thought i have found the truth of my religion. And the truth is, i didn't find the Truth. There more i studied, the more i found so many cruel things against humanity, such as discrimination and oppression against women, honor killing, jihad, labeling others as kafir, anti-tolerism, and so on so forth. It was a real pain. One way or another, i had to take a decision, either to deny it and pretending as if everything was right, or to follow the new path for the Truth.
I then chose the second one: leaving Islam for the Truth. I knew the consequences of my choice. First time i told my parents, they were so shocked. They got mad and forced me to think over my decision. They even threatened to deny me as one of their child. i agreed to think it over. During my reflection period, i and my father argued a lot of on religious matters. Most of the time, he couldn't answer it, or by simply saying: "it is Allah's will that..." There's no logical reason for any laws or believes, just like the arguments of many radicals and fundamentalists in this country.
It took one year until i fully believed my decision. I was ready for any bad consequence that might happen. There was no other way to force me to comply for faith i did not truly believe anymore, even if it had to put my life at risk of bloody death.
My parents did what they promised: they denied me as their son and expelled me out of home.
It's been three years since i left my house. I am not sorry for what i have decided, and am happy for it. I have made contacts with my mom. She is missing me a lot, as well as me. But my father still denies me. I believe, deep down in his heart he loves and miss' me too. I can understand his decision. It is due to his status as an ustadz and hajj, that keeps him away from me. If only he were not a hajj, everything will be just fine. But I believe one day, my parents too will find the Truth. I am praying for it every single day...
