May left her dry, ashen, bitten, and blue.
May had always been the brightest month out of the twelve. It was — until that day when everything crumbled. Back then, she was just a fifteen-year-old girl who dreamed of nothing but happiness. She was just a little human being who wanted nothing more than to see a smile on everyone’s face. But, I guess it was too heavy for her to carry it alone, so they took the happiness and the smile away from her innocent world.
The little girl was confused. Why had her only safe space suddenly disappeared? She trembled and cried. She ran and cried. Then she realized — it wasn’t a dream. Her mind went blank, though tears kept flowing continuously down her cheeks. She still hoped it was just a dream. But it wasn’t.
Everything became a blur after that. She knew one thing for sure, though — her life was buried along with her love. But, ‘life must go on,’ right? That’s what everyone said after the tragedy. Everything went back to how it was before, as if nothing had happened. It still pained her because her life would never be the same. Her world had already crumbled to dust. It couldn’t be repaired. But she knew no one would sympathize. She knew everyone had their own struggles. That’s why she always smiled when they asked, “Are you okay?”
The truth is… no. Nothing is fine. My heart, my mind — they were shattered into pieces. I couldn’t seem to gather them all on my own. Oh, right. She is me — the writer of this story, the girl whose world has already perished. You can pity me if you want. I pity myself, too. I lost my only comfort, after all. I feel.. hopeless.. and worthless…
June has painted my world in shades of grey.
The month of May passed so overwhelmingly fast, as if it had never existed. It feels as though I am living my life as an empty shell, with nothing left inside. After that horrible month, I arrived at my next destination — June. This time, I smiled through the day and cried my heart out almost every night. I hid all my emotions until I could no longer feel them. I carried the heavy expectations they placed on me.
But guess what? I failed them. I fell between the lonely cracks and disappeared without a trace.
Well, I am just an ordinary human. I can fail, can’t I? Then why do those eyes look so disappointed? What did you expect from this depressed girl? I can’t do nothing when everyone expects something, right? But what if everything I do turns out bad or broken? Is it my fault?
One year, two year, five year… forever.
The rest of the years are still grey. I haven’t seen any color in my life for quite some time. It’s been dull, and I have felt like I was barely surviving. The only thing keeping me alive is my dream. Even though, lately, I’ve started to wonder if it even matters. My dream suddenly feels so far away. And if my dream is going to disappear, then maybe… I should, too. There is no other reason for me to keep going, to keep carrying this grey life.
But, I guess… I’m still afraid of dying. I am afraid my remaining family will mourn again. And I know mourning is not something anyone should experience twice or more. So, I have decided to pursue my dream once again. I don’t care if, every time I chase it, it moves further away. As long as it hasn’t completely disappeared from my sight, I will keep working toward it.
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