”every time I pass on this place, something like a shroud, strung across in deepest of my brain buried that still had a power to cut, smash and burn senselessly...like a cursed memories that had been omnipresent companions this recent weeks...whispering to incite the darkest nightmare, mocking the fate and forcing to relive that terrible moment over and over...I don't want to be here, moreover stay any longer...just like other wise people did, there must be a sparkling light somewhere, chase it and it's obviously a better time to move on...I don't know where I will go or how I will get there, but I must go”
I always remembered that saying up until now, something come out from my deepest sub consciousness try to run away from the pain. That memories, tear me piece by piece and make my whole body more like paralyze, at the beginning, it’s more pain then I can imagine so I had to spare a time to get a fresh air where ever it’s sprout. Well, by the time is pass, I am get use with it and instinctively my body react to adapt with that pain and make me more sensibly to the situation around. It was a pain in the ass…to suffer such deep, I can’t believe it but it was happening. No matter how I try to deny it, that feeling always comes out on its own. So many times I try to resist it, but in some circumstances, my resistance was falling apart, especially when I am in physically weak condition, tired after work all day…
Come to think of it, it’s been a year since the first time I got that shock. A lot of story has been marked to my brain but that pain still wandering around. Until one day, a better morning I woke-up, I realized that it wasn’t the memories I should concern about. That memory is always being there, in the story of my life and there wasn’t anything possible replaces it because it’s been carved as a part of my past life. In the matter of fact, the memories itself is me…
Now, I understand a bit what was the caused for me to realize that circumstances, it was you who has come to my dream at night before the better morning come. In that dream, despite of runaway from that place, you were take me detour that place and show me the bright side of my life in that episode of my life, in that very moment. You were smile as a symbolic message that whatever happen in this life is a gift, a precious gift that make me more than enough debt to serve to the GOD as a thankful. I believe it so. Thank you there for show the right path of this journey…
20 December 2013, “Robert Ludlum’s: the Cassandra Compact”, CocoonA5, Komunitas Halaman Rawa.
